"He asked me to watch a pornographic film, which only had women in it, and he wanted to know if it changed anything, if it strengthened my masculinity" - testimony of Elior Mor Yosef

Elior Mor-Yosef grew up feeling that something was wrong with him, and began undergoing treatments to erase his attraction to men. Today, as he lives his life, he can look soberly at the injustice done to him and others.

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Interviewer: Orit Navon | Writer and transcriber: Gil Friedman

Interview Transcript 

Interviewee:
He wanted to fix me—not for my own good, but for his own good.
 

Interviewer:
To purify society.
Interviewee:
To purify society.

There were days when I lay in bed, trying again and again to imagine a girl, and it just wouldn’t work. Then I would say to myself: enough. I’m broken. I’m not okay.

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Interviewer:

It’s hard.

Interviewee:
It’s really hard.

I went through conversion therapy with a rabbi who was also a therapist. Many people came to him with this “problem.” He was considered an expert in dealing with it.

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Interviewer:
An expert in conversion?

Interviewee:
Absolutely. I have to say that at first, I really liked going to him. He was nice, funny—I enjoyed talking to him. I was very motivated and fully cooperated, because I believed there was a chance I would come out of it “fixed.”

The treatment involved hypnosis. He would put me to sleep.

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Interviewer:
Was he licensed to do hypnosis?

Interviewee:
I don’t know. I don’t think so.

Under hypnosis, he would take me back to early childhood. He told me that my relationship with my father wasn’t good, that my father wasn’t masculine enough, and that this was why I turned out gay—even though my relationship with my father was actually great.

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Interviewer:
Did you tell your father about this diagnosis?

Interviewee:
Yes. He said, “Okay,” and we talked about many things.

I remember the therapist once told me:
“Maybe you’ll never be attracted to women—but at least you won’t be attracted to men.”

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Interviewer:
So basically, you wouldn’t be sexual at all.

Interviewee:
Yes. And he said that later, after we suppressed my attraction to men, I could then develop the part of me that’s attracted to women—because, according to him, that part exists in every human being.

He would show me Facebook posts and articles about gay people and say:
“This is the gay lifestyle, and believe me, you don’t want this life. There are drugs, alcohol, parties, loneliness, and lots of suicides. Look at us—we have a beautiful community life, we get married.”

At a more advanced stage, he told me:
“Try to find one woman you’re attracted to.”

I had a very hard time, but I eventually mentioned a woman from our neighborhood who seemed kind of like me—maybe cute. Then he told me:
“I want you to imagine her when you masturbate. Imagine that you’re making love to her.”

After every session, I had to tell him exactly what it was like—very detailed descriptions of what I did and how it felt.

 

Interviewer:
That sounds completely perverse.

Interviewee:
Yes. But at the time, it felt like it had a clear purpose—to cure me.

What’s truly terrible is when a therapist doesn’t act for the patient’s benefit, but instead brings in his personal opinions. He would talk about his own sex life with his wife—how it works, how it should work, how good it is. He would say things like:
“A man with a man is against the nature of the world. It’s disgusting, it’s unpleasant. But when I’m with my wife, it’s the most wonderful thing.”

Later, he told me to watch an immodest film—a so-called pornographic film with only women—and then asked whether it changed anything, whether it strengthened my masculinity.

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Interviewer:
But he was encouraging you to do things that are forbidden—masturbation, looking at women.

Interviewee:
He said it was permitted because it was life-saving. He said it exists in the world for a reason, and that it could be used for something good—for treatment.

I would go home devastated. I told myself:
You are sick. You are perverted. You must get rid of this as fast as possible.

It was a serious blow to who I am.

I used to be sociable. Then suddenly Elior became quiet, introverted, closed off. You tell yourself: I’ve failed. I can’t control the most basic thing. I’m a sinner.

Why even live?

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Interviewer:
At that time, did you have anyone to talk to who understood you?

Interviewee:
Later, I met a secular social worker who happened to accompany me. I told him about the therapy, and he was horrified. He said:
“Get out of these treatments. Stop dealing with your sexuality. Live as who you are. Everything is okay.”

And somehow, thanks to him, the therapy stopped.

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Interviewer:
When did you stop seeing it as a problem?

Interviewee:
In the army.

I had left Haredi society. I remember sitting down with my two commanders and telling them I was gay. That moment was a kind of corrective experience after what I went through in conversion therapy.

Later, when I was older and my parents already knew I was gay, a matchmaker once sat next to me throughout the entire prayer, whispering:
“Come on, Elior, you’re not young anymore.”

I remember thinking: I wish I could tell him to match me with someone I actually want.

When I was young, I put a note in the Western Wall asking to marry a woman. When I was older, I prayed in my heart to find a partner.

And I found one.

God heard my prayer. I found someone incredible. We’ve been together for four years.

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Interviewer:
That’s wonderful.

Interviewee:
It really is. It’s exciting.

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Interviewer:
What do you say to people who claim conversion therapy helps some people—that it works?

Interviewee:
I don’t know anyone who truly came out of it. I know people who say they did.

I have a friend who went through it. He’s married—but he cheats on his wife.

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Interviewer:
With men?

Interviewee:
With men.

When I think about it now, I feel deeply wronged. And what’s most painful is knowing that even today, boys are still going through this.

It’s incredibly frustrating.

And it’s legal.